Slow Dancing in a Burning Room..........

I have decided to start blogging again. I guess I never really started, I sorta just copied and pasted other peoples thoughts down and stuck them next to meaningful images. I would like to say I will do this often but as life takes over, I know that isn’t true.

Today marks the 5^th anniversary of my sweet baby brother being called to Heaven. My arms ache to squeeze him and my ears strain to hear his voice. He joins my father, and the only two paternal grandparents I had known. I am not sure I believe humans can become angels, the good book actually indicates they can’t. But I do wonder if they can see me, and if they could what do they think?

I wonder what the miss most about me?

As I sit in the airport, I am surrounded by people in their 50’s, drinking heavily, talking crudely and getting lubed up to go make some bad decisions in New Orleans. And in all honestly, I think, why do they get to be here and Mason doesn’t. “Slow Dancing in a Crowded Room” comes on the iPod, and that’s how I feel……

I watch two kids building Legos and think, one day I will have children and what will I do if they are taken from this world before I am? How will I breathe? Then I think of my mother, who lost her husband, her mother and her son all in less than 5 decades. My mother who raised 5 highly disobedient, angst ridden children that were lacking a father and self-esteem.

Then my mind goes back to my present life, and I ache that my beautiful husband who is smart, and charming and loves me through my crazy will never meet my father. A father that would be so proud to know I was married to a soccer player and healer.

I think about how I will never be able to explain to my husband a hurt that runs so deep, and burns so hot that it paralyzes me. A grief that consumers every fiber of my being, a love that only brothers and sisters know. And I wish I could, but instead I choose to lash out, to cry and run into the details of life.

Then my mind moves to my friends, to the most unlikely of those that remembered and the ones I thought who would never forget, that did. I get angry, and I want to take drastic measures like defriend them on Facebook, then stalk their page.

But instead, I will try and quiet my mind by my favorite verse. Exodus 14:14 which reads, “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” And I will try and find a piece in the words, “Beloved, I am always near to you. I am with the crushed in spirit.”

Then I will wonder if I put the punctuation of this note where it should go, I will worry that I didn’t spell something correctly. I am terrible at grammar, but I love to talk.

As the song wraps up, I will put it on repeat, wait to board the plane and try to be thankful I feel something at all.